i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i was born a porn star she said
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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