I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
