I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
