Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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