The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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