Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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