toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize