Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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