So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
i think i just lost a toe
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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