Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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