someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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