I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
