we'll go far in life on tits alone.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
