apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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