It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
