He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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