I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
