the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
