i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
