Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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