I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
