Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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