I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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