I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
