No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
