My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
