I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
