Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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