I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
