I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
