i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
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