My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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