sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
