i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
