I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
