rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
that's an acceptable place to lick
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
