i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
