I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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