Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
