went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
