So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
everyone is single if you try hard enough
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
