You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
