I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
