Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
