Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
