Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
