Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
