My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I haven't been this sober since birth.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
