: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
