btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize