we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
