Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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