i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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