Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I am full of burrito and curiosity
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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