"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
