five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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