I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
