Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
