it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
