if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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