True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
