I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize