I'm gonna have a badass scar
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
These tits shall not be calmed
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
