Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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