Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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