so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
